John Levesque's Final Analysis: Bonus edition
In a difficult economy, companies circle the wagons to protect their hoards of cash as the holidays approach, lest CEOs be guilted into yuletide largess by an awkward elevator encounter with Bob Cratchit.
Business owners dread times like these as much as Tim Eyman dreads getting a real job. And so the once lavish Christmas party at the Hiya Howahya Hotel and Spa becomes an office gathering around a tub of Red Vines. The formerly generous year-end bonus becomes a 10-percent-off coupon for knee socks at the yarn-and-yoga studio owned by the CEO’s wife.
Long-suffering employees know the drill, of course. But things could be getting even worse. Research provided by the Employment Insecurity Evaluation Institute of Omak indicates that, this year, Christmas bonuses may be cheesier than ever. The E.I.E.I.O. says contingency plans at some of Washington’s major employers are downright Dickensian. Mind you, these plans have not yet been put in place, but if the amount of cash that American corporations are sitting on dips below $50 bazillion, this could indeed be a cruel yule for workers in the trenches. Here’s a sampling of the E.I.E.I.O.’s findings:
Microsoft. Word on the street is that Steve Ballmer has about 80,000 Zune digital media players crowding out the cabernet in his wine cave. Now that Microsoft has said it will focus its mobile music and video strategies on the Windows Phone, the Zune has roughly the same value as Monopoly money and, therefore, considerable value as a hollow gesture. The good news: Microsoft employees deemed particularly worthy will also get a Kin phone.
Costco. We all know Costco spent more than Ichiro’s salary on trying to make it possible for Washingtonians to get all of their Christmas party booze in one convenient location. (How incredibly thoughtful!) But Costco employees may have to take one for the team as a result. According to the E.I.E.I.O., the warehouse giant’s Christmas bonus plan may involve toothpicks and cubes of cheddar. Cubes will be sized according to seniority: quarter-inch for new hires through five years, half-inch for five through 10, and so on. In a nod to sustainability, toothpicks will be collected and repurposed as patio furniture.
Boeing. While Boeing comes to terms with the realization that it will take 10 years for the company to start making a profit on production of the 787 Dreamliner, employees can probably be certain of some austere gestures as the company now decides where to build the re-engineered 737 MAX. If worse comes to worst, the most cheeseworthy plan would have machinists and engineers receiving a sheet of real estate listings in South Carolina—suitable for framing—along with used copies of How to Speak Southern.
Starbucks. Howard Schultz happens to have a few thousand extra copies of Onward in his garage. This makes Starbucks’ contingency bonus plan an easy decision. Each book comes with one of those Starbucks chocolates that have been sitting in a closet at SoDo headquarters since Hershey kissed off its candy-making partnership with Starbucks in 2009.
Amazon. With third-quarter profits declining by 73 percent because spending on new ventures is through the roof, Amazon will likely ask employees to work weekends this holiday season. To make them comfortable, CEO Jeff Bezos is considering providing little bundles of kindling made from e-readers rendered obsolete by the Kindle Fire. They’ll come festively wrapped in all the red tape generated by Amazon’s attempt to avoid paying sales taxes.
Of course, a bonus is still a bonus. If you get a cheesy one this holiday season, don’t complain. You’re one of the lucky ones.
JOHN LEVESQUE is the managing editor of Seattle Business magazine.
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