Name: _____________________________________________
Desired Occupation: __________________________________
Desired Salary: ______________________________________
Note to the MBA candidate: This year’s final has been
shortened and simplified in keeping with the challenging economic and business
climate we face. Because a strong economy needs strong entrepreneurs, cheating
is expressly prohibited except where it is done to prevent failure.
1. You
are the CEO of a large bank, and have just discovered your $1-billion loan
portfolio is saddled with subprime loans at risk of default. How do you address
this problem?
a. Write
to your shareholders, explaining the situation. Prepare resignation letter just in case.
b. Petition
the government to take the most toxic assets off your books. Lay off staff.
c. Package
the loans into vehicles of similar risk and sell them off as securities to Wall Street investment bankers. Double down with the profits.
d. Securitize
the loans, sell them off, lay off the staff, sell the building, take the
profits and head for the Caymans.
2. You
are a junior mail clerk in a large, old-school diversified manufacturing
company. You have a brilliant idea for a new product, which you just know will
revolutionize the industry. What do you do?
a. Bide
your time. Work your way up the ladder until you’re in a position to get your proposal approved. Or killed.
b. Tell
your supervisor your idea and hope s/he doesn’t steal it. Brace yourself.
c. Take
your idea, bypass your supervisor and CEO, and pitch it straight to the board of directors. Tell them it’s for the kids.
d. No
one listens to a junior mail clerk. Start impersonating the boss and talking up your idea. Someone will surely notice.
3. Which
one addition to the workplace will guarantee increased productivity?
a. A
nice stapler.
b. Profits.
c. Weekly
“booze-and-blow” parties.
d. Chair
restraints.
4. You
are a 21-year-old computer science student at Stanford with 7,531 Facebook friends. How do you launch a viable business from this platform?
a. Start
blogging about and posting photos of your girl/boyfriend. Put out a PayPal tip jar.
b. Create
a customized line of racy greetings and characters that can be exchanged and
collected, then start blasting every blogger and Twitter whore about the new
“poking for adults.” Use Google AdSense for revenue, with a paid “premium”
level.
c. Write
a new Facebook game, “Porn Wars.” Charge $10 per month.
d. Create
a Facebook mail virus that uses Social Security numbers to “verify” all recipients’ accounts. Sell the lot to a computer science student in Kazakhstan. Use the money to buy an offshore floating oil platform
which will be your secret base for your gang of elite hackers.
5. Which
one addition to the workplace will guarantee reduced productivity?
a. Water
cooler.
b. Facebook.
c. Hangovers.
d. Free
will.
6. You
run a large public software company with a stranglehold on the PC market, but
you have a reputation for crash-prone products and for ripping off more
innovative competitors. How do you change this reputation? (Your spending limit
is $30 billion.)
a. Launch
a pervasive marketing campaign featuring has-been comedians and retired billionaires to show that your company is “just like everyone else.”
b. Launch
a slew of new products, from portable music players tosearch engines, targeting only competitors with greater than 80 percent market share.
c. Invest
$240 million in the hot social networking site of the moment. Figure out what
it’s for later.
d. Reputation
is for wusses. Use your opponents’ strengths against them: Use Google Earth to
help pinpoint targets for a nuclear strike on the Bay Area. Cackle gleefully.
7. What
is typically the most expendable benefit on a corporate balance sheet?
a. Parking
permits.
b. Health
care.
c. Chairs.
d. Oxygen.
Scoring: You get 1
point for “a” answers, 5 points for each “b,” 10 points for each “c,” and 20
points for each “d.” Fewer than 25 points: You’re probably not cut out for the business world. But we instead
present you with a consolatory Bachelor of Arts in English. 26–55: Adequate, but uninspiring. You’ll make an excellent
corporate minion, even if one day you die of ennui. Get your degree and
disappear. 56–100: You’ve been
watching a bit too much Wall Street, haven’t you? Not bad. A bit
over the top. We hear Goldman Sachs has a few openings. More than 100
points: Not only are you a new breed of
MBA, we suspect you wrote the book. Or at least cribbed it. Don’t let academic
suspension or a jail term stop you, Mr. Burns. The world is yours for the
taking!